The continuing adventures in Iron Skyrim....

This edition of Iron Skyrim continues the adventures of Grida, the opportunistic "Acrobat" Orc, who was recently enjoying an energetic swim...

"Hey, I see a town over there, Mr. Voice-In-My-Head, I bet there's all kinds of stuff that should belong to me there. It's all pretty and ****."



Hey, I hear something beh...

 "Ha! Take that!"

Did... did you just beat a mudcrab in sharp fisticuffs?

"Yes.... and now I have my lunch plans."

Oh... goody...

 "Hey, what do you know, a place that probably has stuff in it."

Is that how you look at EVERY house you see?

"Only ones I haven't seen before. If its one I HAVE seen before, its just as likely to be completely empty."

".... fair... enough?"

"Hey look! They left some unguarded barrels outside!"

 "It looks tasty, but you know what I think is a GREAT idea?"

Oh no, please don't tell me you're going to...

"Hey mister Honeymead salesman, want to buy some honeymead?"

I... can't believe you pulled that off.... you sold him the merchandise you just stole from him...

"I'm just that good... now, while he's being confused counting his stock, lets sneak into his back room and..."

"Huh, sounds like someone is putting the lean on this place."

That's horrible.

"Yea, I mean, why isn't it me that's getting to write letters like this?"

You know, I've said how horrible you are before... but I'm just out of words for it at this point, so just pretend that I said something that somehow sounds more surprised at how bad you are than the previous times... 

"The second page of the letter mentioned Riften, I'll have to remember that place, sounds fun."

...wait, you emptied the entire back room that fast?

"Why not?"

 There's someone putting a lean on the guy, things are tough, have you no sympathy?

"Yep. I don't have my own meadery, and both this guy and the letter-writer have meaderys, I have plenty of sympathy for my situation."

 "Oh well, onto the main town..."

Great, what trouble will you cause there?

 Well, looks like we're stuck not going in, too bad, lets go somewhere where you'll do less harm...

"Not so fast, I have an idea on how to get in... I'll just use my feminine charms to get in."

I'm a little surprised you pulled that off.

"I know, no one can resist these babies."

I don't think that's why we got in.

"I jiggled a little, didn't I? We got in didn't we? I'm telling you, he opened that door because of my sexual allure."

I'm pretty certain the reason he opened the door was because you made him need to rush in and yak in the outhouse."

"You stick to your story, I'm sticking to mine."

Hey, a guard's coming towards us, mentioning he recognizes you...

"Oh ****, he knows about that wife I killed back in Riverwood, I'm so going to jail, sooooo going to...."

The fee is pretty low.

"Seriously? Heck yea, I'll pay that. If I can kill people and only pay that price, I'll do it all **** day!"

Wait, there's more....  

"Nooooooooo!!!! MY STUFFFFF!!!!!!!! I BLAME YOU, VOICE-IN-MY-HEAD, I BLAME YOUUUUU!!!! I SHOULDA RUN, BUT NOOOOOO, YOU'RE LIKE 'THE PRICE IS CHEAP' and I'm all like 'OKAY', I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE  A CATCH!!!!"

  Hey, he dropped that on the end without warning us, I know I didn't see it coming.

"Yea, he did, that SNEAKY M*****-******!! THAT BASTARD!" 

He's not even going back to the castle with it, he's just continuing on his duties like nothing happened...

"WHAT THE ****? THAT.... oh... that's good. He's clever... I wonder if he's taken?"

 Oh my....

 "Oh for ****'s sake, that priest is annoying. I mean seriously, he's droning on so loud, it's obnoxious. Someone should do something."

 Just ignore it, he's not hurting anyone, and he's got some valid compla....

"You know what, I'm going to help out this fair town, be a hero, fix this menace..."

 You're... WHAT!?!

"Alright, in position..."

No, no no no no nono nooo....

"Shush, you're going to spoil my aim, I gotta time it while noone sees me and get it in one shot so he doesn't yell..."

NO! STOP! DON'....

"THERE!"

....T DO I....

"Hey, he didn't have bad loot on him."

I don't care, there's no way you're going to justify this....

"Of course I will. I'll gladly pay the merchant's fee. 1 gold for one bit of helping out the community. Where's a guard, I'll take care of it right now, show you I'm willing to handle this proper.." 

"F***"

"Well, at least I got to keep his stuff, including keys, I got myself a house!"

...  you hurt a poor innocent m...

"Now lets see what's in his..."

"He's not so innocent now, is he?"

What the? How did you? But...

"Its the loud, obnoxious 'better-than-thou' types that are always hiding some skeletons in their closet. The ones who mean it are usually quieter and less judgemental."

That's... surprisingly insightful from you.

"Naw, I'm just pulling stuff out of my ***, pure luck he was hidin' dead people."

... Now I don't know which part you're pulling my leg, and which part you're being honest about.

"Heh, I'll never tell, keep ya guessing. ;) "

 "You know what though, Mr. Voice-in-my-head?"

What?

"This place is too political, too up in its own business... everyone I overhear got a cause, an axe they're grinding... I don't really fit in..."

 So?

"So... I'm leaving town. Right now.."

Where too?

"Well, that place that other meadery was from... it sounded like they knew how to handle business there... Riften, I think its name is? Let's go." 

You know... I think I can actually respect that decision. 

 "See? Extortion with gatekeeping, I TOTALLY am cool with a town. With a corrupt town, you know where you stand, a little extra gold, and the world's in your pocket."

Oddly, you're right, you do fit in more... but you can't get in..

"That's the other part about corrupt..."

 What?

"Corrupt towns are also lazy towns. Which means if you DON'T have the money, all you need..."

 "... is to put in a little more creative work, a little legwork..."

"... and you can almost always find another way."

Huh, I never thought of it that way...

"Wait... there's a THIEVE'S GUILD? I LOVE this town! I'm going to join right now! ... if I can just find out where it is."

*smirks* I thought you were an acrobat.

"Exactly."

So where are you going to find out how to find them?

"Search the place in town with access everywhere that noone ever goes." 

 You're going sewer crawling?

"I prefer to think of it as acrobatic exploring."

You know what? Although I hate most of what you do, I have to admit, you do have some skills...






"Did YOU just give me a complim...."

And then Gilda was ambushed by a bum in the sewers.  She didn't even see it coming. (Picture lightened, because it was so dark. She couldn't see the bum, but he could see her.)