Welcome to the third installment of IronSkyrim!
Added a few more mods to clean up the UI a little (and take care of the no-unarmed issue).
Now let's take a look at our next adventu...

"HOW THE **** DO I KEEP GETTING INTO THESE SITUATIONS!?!"

 Wait, I haven't even got to introduce you yet, not even to take your picture for the adoring fans!

"YEP, this is how ALL my stories start. I've just ticked off someone who's now trying to kill me. Usually because
I've taken something from them that rightfully belonged to me... they just didn't know it yet."

 Wait! People don't even know your name yet! Why are you already getting buried in a lot of action? WHO ARE YOU!?!

"Ha! ARROW TO THE KNEE, SUCKA!"

What the... I can't even see what's going on? How did you get that shot!?!

"Hey, the armor they had doesn't look half bad, once you take the ugly pink meatsacks out of them.
This is MY **** now, you ***********!!!"

Great now I don't even get to see what the new adventurer looks like for a screensho....

"Bah, hate it. It itches, and slows me down to much. And if there's one thing Grilda-Ogg hates, it's being
too ******* slow!"

Well, that answers a few questions, but I still have...

"Now that the bodies have stopped twitching, time to put my 'acrobatic' skills to use, heh." }:)

Well, I guess that answers the rest of the information I was going to tell the readers about...

"Quit interrupting me with your silly pattering, voice-in-my-head. I've got loot to claim!"

..."voice-in-my-head"? I'm a narrator! You shouldn't be able to even hear me!!!

"La la la, ignoring you now, head voice. Ooo! Shiny!" -pockets loot- "Besides, narrator is a silly name
for a sign of mental illness. And we both know I've heard you since that bump on my head."

Okay, this is getting a bit weird... Grilda. I'm also not sure if you're a good role-model for the ki...

HA! GEMS! A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.... well, maybe second best, I hate to play favorites between you and gold. ;) "

Alright, so you're greedy, get yourself into trouble, are apparently a thief..

"Acrobat."

Acrobat, whatever. At least your level of being a bad example can't get any wo....

"THEY WERE GROWING SHROOMS IN HERE!?! SCORE!!!!"

... O.O ... I am beginning to dislike you...

"Might as well get the rest of 'my' loot from their place."

Well, I guess they were bandits, so I guess maybe you could still be a fairly moral person if you played your cards right....

"**** YES! More gold! I could buy a whole harem of boys with what I've grabbed today!"

Seriously? How much more crass and base can you get, woman?

"...and a book? Why would I care what's written in a ...... OOOOOO, GILDA LIKES!"

Oh dear goodness... seriously? The very first book you ever read is a manual to help you break and enter easier?

"Well, time to leave..."

Thank goodness, that place had to be bringing out the worst in you. Maybe when you get back to a peaceful woodland setting, you'll...

"SCORE! MORE SHROOMS! TAKE THAT MR. UPPITY VOICE-IN-MY-HEAD!"

You're kidding me? You found more mushrooms in like five seconds into the woods?

"Hey look, some kind of encampment... noone around... wonder what kind of cool stuff of theirs
I can put into proper hands?"

Seriously? That's your first thought on seeing a camp? What's WRONG with you!?!

"HEH, FREE FOOD!"

Now you're taking their hard-created meal? How could you?

"Bah, boring research stuff, blah blah blah, what's in the satchel?"

Seriously? There's someone researching here, taking out all their time, and you're just going to...

"Hey! Ice wraith teeth! These sell for a LOT! And he doesn't need them, probably just going
to waste them in some kinda test. Me, I gots money to make!"

Hey, those are rare items for valuable resea...

"YES! MORE SHROOMS!"

HOW THE HECK DO YOU KEEP FINDING MUSHROOMS EVERYWHERE!?!

"Bah, a dragonfly... I'll let him keep that."

*Sigh*... how... gracious of you. >_<

"HEY, NIRNROOT! Wizards pay a lot for this stupid plant, don't they?"

There's a lot here, that's probably why the researcher set up shop here, it could be of great interest to the research community to find out...

"YOINK! MINE NOW!"

... I hate you.

"Well, time to head on up to town."

Well, at least you can't harm anyone else along a peaceful walk along...

"HA! DEAD MUDCRAB! You and your tasty species are one step closer to extinction!"

WHY'D YOU SHOOT IT?!? IT COULD HAVE BEEN A MERCHANT IN DISGUISE!!!

"You're weird, Voice-in-my-head."

"Well, almost back to civilization..."

 I bet you're going to do something terrible here, aren't you? Well, at least you'll be dead and I can move on...

"Ooo! A lone house! I can rob it of EVERYTHING, and only need to worry about ONE person!"

... I...you....I....ARG!!!!

"Hey girlfriend, you look all sweet and innocent... how do you live here all alone?"

That was probably the most creepy phrase I've heard out of you so far...

~****!!!! Look at those eyes! She's a vampire!!!~ "Um... hi... uh, do you get many guests?"

This is it! She's going to eat you, and it's going to be great!

"Sure... it's the war.... I bet you tell all the travelers that..."

 Come on, don't start being smart now! Antagonize her!

"Ooo... her backs turned, that means I can.."

"Well, people always have cool **** to ste... I mean re-appropriate. Let's she what she has hereeee... oh my..."

Yes! This is it! You'll meet your end, and I can get on to someone more...

"Leaving now."

No, wait... you're supposed to be a heartless thief!

"Acrobat."
Fine, Acrobat... shouldn't you take som...

"Can't re-appropriate if you're a corpse."

"I may be heartless, but that doesn't mean I'm brainless. Well, back to traveling along the river."

"Great, it started raining." :(

Proof the divines hate you.

"Hey look! More nirnroot!"

Well, at least it isn't shrooms.

"YES! MORE SHROOMS!! THE DIVINES DO LOVE ME! HA!"

****!

"ACK! SKELETONS AND WOLVES, BOTH AT ONCE!!"

Ha, the Divines hate you. This is it, you're going down.

"Skeleton down, now just the wolves! TAKE IT YOU *******!!!"

"HA! EAT IT! Divines, my side. Eat it."

*Grumble*

"AND EVEN MORE SO! A free horse, just for me!"

Wait.. where'd that come from? Where's the rider?!? You should look, they may need help!

"YOINK! MINE NOW! Ha ha, sore feet, you can rest at ease!"

You know, this is completely unfair.

"And apparently horseback archery is a little trickier, but I still got this."

Why do you have the best survival skills of all of the adventurers so far?

"Because I'm Gilda-Ogg, of course."

Of course.

"Bah, his corpse can keep it."

Hey, it's an ancient weapon, it could be some family heirloom that got...

"GET BACK HERE, PONY!"

Ha! Serves you right! And it's not a pony, it's a....

"Good pony! You'll get one of my carrots later if I don't remember to sell it!"

...

"Oh, hey, look, a hunter! Guess who's getting hunted now!"

Well, I guess he DID shoot at you first, you could give him a chance to explain, he could have thought you were a deer...

"BOOM! YA GETTIN' SELF DEFENSED, ******-******!!"

I can hear him begging for mercy now, he's stopped firing, you can let him go and he'll probably leave you alone!!

"BOOM! NECKSHOT! MORE LOOT FOR ME!"

 I... YOU... how could..? YOU'RE HORRIBLE!!!

"Sweet! This guy was loaded!"

Do you have ANY morals?

"Alright, back to the road."

"ACK! WOLVES! WOLVES!!! WOLF PACK!!"

You beat the last wolves, surly you can risk your life a little and...

"HA! EAT IT SLOWPOKES!!"

"Hey look! A dude! And a bard at that! Let's sit for a bit and listen to some rockin' tunes!!"

Well... okay...

"HEY! WHERE'D MY HORSE GO!?!"

"IT'S NOT ANYWHERE!!! ******* ****** ***** ****!!!

 HA! SERVES YA RIGHT!

"Hey, there's light up there?"

You're going to go ruin more lives, I take it?

"Only if I'm lucky."
... Great.

"BANDITS! HEY! I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DO ACROBATICS AROUND HERE!!!"

You're charging in on their camp, YOU'RE the intruder here, they probably just...

"RATATAT-TAT, TAKE THAT! THAT'LL SEND A MESSAGE TO YOUR CREW TO STAY OFF MY TURF!!"

You know what? Fine... I'm through with you. I'm...

"IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS!?!"

Okay, I have to admit, that caught my interest too...

"IT IS! IT'S A TREASURE MAP! MONEY!!!"

Adventure!
"Money!"
Excitement!
"Money!"
Mystery!
"Money!"
You have a hard time getting into the spirit of a story, don't you?
"I don't got no time for books. Do have time for money though."*Sigh*

"Well, been a long day, and there's so conveniently a camp here recently vacated...."

Why do YOU have to be my first adventurer to make it far enough to even think about taking a rest? WHY!?!

"Ahh, refreshed, morning, and a new change of clothes, thanks to my 'friends' decomposing over there."

Now your enemies will be able to smell you from a mile away. Say goodby to your stealth skill.

"****, I know better than that. These are clean clothes from their backpacks. Their bloody clothes are still on them. And still blody."

"Nope, not the write log... guess I'm not close enough to Riverwood yet."

Of course your not, the map clearly showed it was within spitting distance of Riverwood.

"Yes, we're on the right track, money, here we come!"

"Hun, this is an interesting thing along the way. What is this?"

Looks like a shrine of some sort...

"Wait.. what? No, I don't want some religious nut following me!"

 He's following you, maybe he'll teach you the folly of your ways!

"Stop following me!!"

Seriously? He stopped? That easy?

"Would you argue with a 250 pound green woman with tusks armed with pointy bits who told you no?"
Point.

"Sweet, super magical powers to make me even more awesome!"

And... in activating that particular stone, you also finally admitted you're a thief.

"****!  I always forget to read the fine print."

"And we're in Riverwood..."

"And across the river..."

I guess we should prepare for some kind of boss fight....

"Here we are!"

Wait.. what?

"Score!"

Seriously? That was all it took?

"Hey look! I'm a princess now! HA!"

... where's the adventure? The excitement.

"Yay, easy money! The divines soooo love me."

"And eggs right nearby too, looks like I got breakfast as well!"

"And now to sell all my loot..."

 Finally, you'll at least act pseudo respectable when money's entering your hands, right?

 Hey, they were having some arguement, sounds like they lost something, we should find out...
"No."
What? Why, they'd probably rewa...
"No."
Why not?
"If someone just took it, that means they got the skills to take it. And then you just get a whole escalating battle of theivery thing. Too much work. Besides, I know an easier way to get money out of them.."
...

"See, I noticed they had an upstairs, and there's noone watching it, and..."

"RUN!!!"

This is it, isn't it? This is the end, right? Right?

"TAKE THAT, LITTLE WIFEY!!!"

They chased you out of town, for stealing, and then you just TURNED AROUND AND SHOT THEM!?!

"Couldn't shoot them in town, that'd make my bounty go up."



There is SO much wrong with you.

"I have no clue what you're talking about."

"Hey, I tricked the old guy into the water! HA! You can't get me!"

Oh no, don't tell me you're going to...

"WHY WON'T..."

"...YOU DIE!?!"

 Divines protection, I suppose.

"*****ing divines, they're supposed to be guarding me, not him."

"Oh well, running away to hunt wolves for awhile."

Seriously... why aren't you dead yet?